I am not shy when it comes to talking about much of anything, especially my anxieties, so it may come as no surprise that I feel inclined to blog about the FOD. The FOD is my overwhelming and all-encompassing fear of death which has plagued me ever-so unfortunately since I became a mother. It sucks. And I have it.
I first figured out I had this fear when Nathan was 8 months old and he and I flew to Reno to visit a friend. I was overcome by fear while flying and have not since felt better about it. In subsequent flights I go through the motions of sweaty palms, nausea, heart palpitations, and uncontrollable fear. Needless to say, I do not look forward to traveling, although I am constantly planning the next vacation. I love to escape my life, hoping that the FOD will subside when I leave my routine (which it usually does, although not before being brought to all time new levels on each hideous airplane adventure).
Meanwhile I have recently noticed that the FOD is creeping back into my day to day life. As I drift off to sleep at night I think "one day closer to death". Sooooo depressing. I gotta get over this, if anyone has any reasonable solutions please feel free to offer sugestions. I can't explain this fear, it is totally and utterly irrational and very annoying.
Both of my parents have at one time or another suffered from the FOD, leading me to believe that it's genetic (rats!), so sorry kids. Or maybe someone mentioned it to me at one point and my imagination just went hog wild. Who knows. All I can say is I look forward to the day when I don't freak out about my own existence and just enjoy living for the right now. Hopefully that day will come soon.
I'll never forget a psychologist friend of my dad's one summer telling me something that made me feel better as I, racked as a young'un with FOD, plead with him to explain it. "Sometimes," he said, "you'll feel like you've got the world by the tail, and you're totally in control. Other times it will feel like you're the one being spun by the world. Remember these cycles and wait for the good one to come back." Jerry Garcia said the same thing. Life is good, life is long, and it's full of goodness, beauty, sweetness and light. Aim for the light, calm yourself, you're not sick nor are you close to death. Give yourself a pass, you're going to be fine and there's too much living ahead to worry about the end dear Kate.
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